Trial By Fire

Honesty. Does it exist on the internet?

I mean, you can research facts, figures and a plethora of opinion and commentary. But so much is anonynmous, and such anonymity is used as a cloak to protect identity, reputations and even one's character.

Well, I'm going to throw caution into the wind, and be completely honest. Only those that actually care will read this, and to those that don't, it could be a huge laugh or morbid take on what an acquaintance or far away friend thinks my character consists of.

2 days ago I wanted to fly home. Just get the fuck out of here and go back to my safe little (albeit unemployed) bubble. If you've read my previous post, you'll know I thoroughly enjoyed my time in Toronto, and that it was fantastic to see Dean & Alex again, and that the hospitality I received from Dean and his family was just excellent. But being back in hostels and sleeping in dorms takes some getting used to.

Yes,  I can be gregarious, over the top, fun, outgoing and confident. Other times I'm so bloody unsure of myself I don't know who I am or where I'm going. I begin to internalise every little negative detail or occurence and let it build up to the point where I can't cope. Being completely open and talking to strangers at the drop of a hat doesn't come naturally to me. It's hard work. I think some people are just wired to be able to do that quickly and naturally, for me it takes getting used to. I have to force myself to be around people and take a chance. Shit, without alcohol, what on earth would I do? That social lubricant is almost integral for someone like me. Such self doubt is godamn, fucking crippling. And being away from friends and family at the same time. I'm getting emotional just typing this.

But I'll digress before this post turns into naked self flaggelation. The first person I've met in Vancouver at the hostel, Jack, also signed up with "The Global Work & Travel Company" (GW&T) but has been staying at the hostel FOR A MONTH. Yes, this fantastic company that promises a job before you depart, then at the last minute claims that it's ok, you'll get one as soon as you arrive, seems like an amateurish, backyard sort of operation. Hearing Jack's story, and that of many others in the same boat of waiting for any sort of job, any sort at all made me feel bloody awful.

Jack suggested I go into the GW&T office the next day to harass them. I did that, and was proud of how assterive I was. And instead of fobbing me off, the manager sat down to explain the situation (all ski resorts have got 50-60% less booking from customers this season) that many resorts are signing on people who worked last season, instead of employing new people. That doesn't explain the lack of communication on their part, or the fact that they claim to guarantee a job. But at least now I had the information I need. A win of some sorts.
I began to look at job agencies in Toronto if things fell apart here in Vancouver. I would fly back, look for a proprer full time job a little more suited to my skill set. I didn't find much; I signed up with Drake and look at a few job agency websites for admin/customer service jobs. There's not much around. And it's a city of 5.5 million people with less than average quality public transport. It's not like being in London and having a fantastic tube system to easily get around in.

So I can't get a job at resort, and it's going to be diffcult to live and work in Toronto. Get me out of here.

To make matters worse, Vancouver is wet and cold; the Hostel is in a dodgy area full of drug addicts and homeless people. It's not an environment conducive to positive thinking. And my family. God I miss them. So badly.

I went off the orientation sessions that GW&T put on. I was resigned to booking a flight home next week. Or perhaps flying over to London to see my brother before flying home for christmas. The other people at the orientation sessions were nice and friendly (we've subsequently hung out together) but I still felt absolutely downtrodden.

Then the orientation was interrupted to tell me that I will have an interview with Mountain Park Lodge up near the Jasper National Park. Talk about lifting my spirits! To top it off, myself and the other 3 people at the orientation went off together to get a tax file number, and get Canadian sim cards for our phones. More people to talk and hang out with. Excellent. I began to feel much better about things, even if this opportunity might fall through. Something is on the horizon, as opposed to just floating around, trying to kill time and keep myself occupied. It doesn't help that Vancouver is wet and cold - not much for a traveller wanting to explore his surroundings.

But at least now I've met more people. And even if I fly over to Europe and leave Canada, so what? I'll miss my Canadian friends dearly, but I know my personal limitations. Probably too well.
And who knows, I may even grow up a little. See, there's a shame here of not being built of tougher stuff - there's so many people doing what I'm doing, but no one seems to be really affected by the uncertainty of it all or being away from friends and family. Am I emotionally weak, or just not wired for this lifestyle?

I guess I'll find out soon enough.